a repentence

mes amis—

greetings from old hampshire.
it snows heavily here.
so does my heart.

this morning at breakfast i experienced another run in.

there was lively chit chat about the zodiac. as people sipped their coffee and cut apart their french toasts, they called out the various attributes to their respective signs.

i may have been a ring leader in all of this. it is true. coaxing people on to tell their birthdays and then saying, “ah, capricorn.” or “oh, virgo, nervous but organized.”

finally someone asked, “what’s your sign kippy?”

“gemini,” i proclaimed and raised my right hand in a vertical fashion in front of my face, like a priest about to make a blessing. “split personality,” i explained. as i split myself in two, thus making visual the split personality of a gemini, i hummed a jaunty little ditty.

google image results for "gemini" are terrifying

google image results for “gemini” are terrifying

the ditty is of an olden nature and inspired by the nintendo games of my youth. it is a tune that i believed best represented aurally a siamese twin. there was laughter round the table as i completed my song and dance move. then, the young man to my right, a virgo, asked, “did you just sing a racist song?”

i was mortified and maudlin. what could be said? i had not intended in the least to be racist—only to signify the split personality of a gemini with what i thought would be an appropriate tune!!!—and yet there it was. an accusation that i could not deny for wouldn’t denying wrong doing render my actions all the more culpable? “yes,” i said in a soft grave tone. “i am racist.”

i am truly vexed and perturbed. if i had been less flustered i would have perhaps been able to link the song to the nintendo game. but wouldn’t that be just as problematic? (passing the blame to a corporation.) perhaps i could have varied the notes in the song? would that have made the jingle less culturally specific?? and yet would the dance and song have then been less enjoyable? i do not know. surely we should enjoy a little less if it means not being racist, right? oh but how dreary! there seems to be no way to win.

what can be done to rectify this? i fear ever making a song and dance again and offending. i wasn’t thinking: the force to make the song and dance move was stronger than i was and yet i now see my actions were reproachful.

what to do? what to do? i would like to repent but how? and to whom? surely it would be exaggerated to gather those who were together at the table and express the magnitude of my feelings and thoughts on this topic…? n’est pas? they would say, “kippy, you are over reacting.” yet the accusation of being racist is one i do not take lightly.  perhaps i just need to let it go; let it melt into the snow. but i feel a tundra in my heart every time i think back to the yogurt and the fruit and the coffee and that song. ooh eternal spirits, forgive me!


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